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Joke
1. crisderaud26 January 2010, 16:01 GMT +01:00
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss
and discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and
nice breasts!
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and also
the wine selection is good.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and
quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair
accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and
once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the
Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea
because they have never been there before.
74. mzacha5 September 2013, 15:26 GMT +02:00
What does the cow do just after sunrise?
Casts a shadow...
75. mzacha6 November 2013, 18:35 GMT +01:00
A good joke decribing the nature of Poles:
There is a devil in the company of an Englishman, a Frenchman, a German and a Pole. They stay near on a canyon rim. The devil says to the Englishman:
- Jump down!
- I do not jump!
- Jump, gentlemen jump!
Sloop, the Englishman jumped into the abyss. Now the devil asks the German:
- Jump down!
- I do not jump!
- Jump, gentlemen jump!
- I do not jump!
- But that's an order!
I sloop, Germany jumped. The devil calls the French:
- Jump down!
- I do not jump!
- Jump, gentlemen jump!
- I do not jump!
- But that's an order!
- I do not jump!
- But you know that is fashionable!
The Frenchman jumped. The Devil goes to Pole:
- Jump down!
- I do not jump!
- Jump, gentlemen jump!
- I do not jump!
- But that's an order!
- I do not jump!
- But you know that is fashionable!
- No way!
- Who do you think you are?
- Me? Pole!
- Oh Pole ... I understand. You won't jump!
- What? I won't jump? Of course I will jump!
And he jumped.
77. xymonau1 January 2014, 0:23 GMT +01:00
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep
Read less.
I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.
Watch more movie remakes.
Procrastinate more.
I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials
Start being superstitious.
Spend more time at work.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
Take up a new hobby: maybe smoking!
78. crisderaud19 April 2014, 16:57 GMT +02:00
The Light Turned Yellow
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
79. mzacha19 December 2014, 18:15 GMT +01:00
Not a joke, but some movie reviews.
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/ayn-rand-reviews-childrens-movies?mbid=social_facebook
82. xymonau14 October 2015, 5:24 GMT +02:00
I posted this on Facebook, but it deserves to be here.
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
83. xymonau5 October 2016, 18:24 GMT +02:00
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
85. xymonau20 March 2020, 9:40 GMT +01:00
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
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